Snippets of gel less hair
by mindless-junk-247
Summary: One shots of times when John has no hairgel, and for different reasons which means, different paybacks, results and different schemes. Worth a read.
1. Dare

**A/N: **Well, this is going to be a series of one-shots about HAIRGEL. And John for that matter. Hope they're good enough for you :)

* * *

It had only been a dare, a stupid dare that had started all of this off. How Zalenka had been roped into playing the stupid game he had no idea, it didn't help that Rodney had threatened him with a lack of coffee for a month.

Here he was, sneaking about the living quarters with his every move being monitored by the cameras. When the time came Rodney was going to pay for the prank. Turning another corner he crept down two more doors before glancing around and making sure that nobody except the cameras were watching him.

Jerry rigging the control crystal he waited, holding his breath, as the door slid open to reveal the home of his dare. He took one last gulp before stepping across the threshold and muttering prayers for this to not be his death as the door shut behind him and all he had as a comfort was Rodney's guidance, directions and warnings from the comm unit.

* * *

To say that Colonel John Sheppard was angry was an understatement. He was seeing red. He had just gotten back from a simple recon mission that was actually an ambush from the wraith and for the whole three hours he had to put up with one of the new scientists screaming every time she heard a gunshot or wraith stunner, even the kawhooshing of the gate caused her to scream.

That was just the beginning. Getting back to Atlantis Rodney wanted to use him as a lab rat again. In the infirmary for his post-mission checkup, he found out that he had been exposed to some form of radiation from the planets rising temperature in the atmosphere, which resulted in the chemical scrub down.

He had given himself the rest of the day off after taking a nice long shower, wanting to catch up on reading more of his book.

After pulling on his shirt he towel dried his hair and ran a hand through the now dry mop and watched as it sagged to the form of his skull. Sighing he opened the bathroom cabinet and instinctively reached out his hand for the pot that stood where it always was. But his hand grabbed air and taking a proper look at the area he found everything in its usual spot but that one pot.

Frantically he searched the cupboard, almost throwing everything onto the floor in hopes that it was hiding. After this he ransacked his bathroom to find that it wasn't in the actual room. He grumbled to himself, knowing that that was his last pot until the next shipment came in within the next three days, before storming through his room in search of what he secretly called his glory.

'Where could it be? Where is it?' He thought to himself as he sat on the edge of his bed running through all of the places that it was likely to be. The top of his list was the bathroom considering that that was where it lived and he flopped back onto his bed in annoyance. Running a hand over his face he stared at the ceiling and thought about what he could possibly do.

* * *

Zalenka sat in his lab, anxiously glancing at the door every few seconds in hopes that he wasn't caught out. He'd hate to be under his wrath, he terrified the scientist to say the least. "Oh calm down Radek, look, he doesn't even know," Rodney reassured him, showing him the camera footage of the person of their talks looking down right angry and annoyed.

"But what if he finds out," Zalenka proposed, not liking the outcome of his idea.

Rodney shrugged his shoulders, his face glowing from the smug grin that filled his face.

* * *

He was going to find some, which was what John told himself as he started for the door. Glancing at the mirror he stopped, seeing his floppy hair, before turning around and rooting through a box to find the baseball cap he kept in there. Pulling it on he nodded at the temporary situation before running his hand over the control crystal.

Stepping out he turned towards the direction of Major Lorne's office before stopping in his tracks again. He hadn't heard the familiar hiss that greeted him every time he stepped through a door. Turning around he found the door still open and when he swiped his hand over the controls again, it wouldn't close. After the third and fourth attempt he opened the crystal tray and looked at the crystal arrangement. Something was off to him.

Replacing the cover he changed his direction and headed in the opposite direction, knowing full well where he was going to find some of what he needed.

Arriving he entered the room and opened a few drawers and found his very precious pot. Cradling it to his chest he closed the drawer and glanced around the room, his eyes falling onto the coffee pot that was used by the entire science department. An evil grin filled his face as he stuck his item in his pocket and left the room, heading straight for the commisionary.

He ignored the odd looks he gained as he almost ran to the mess and into the kitchen. Putting in the request and happily receiving his item, he ran back, the questions of why he was wearing a hat going in one ear and out of the other. Someone had to pay.

* * *

Rodney was up for another night of tinkering with another unknown piece of ancient technology. Finding his cup empty he went over to the coffee machine and filled up his cup, ignoring the piece of paper that was stuck on top of the machine. Bringing the now full cup to his lips he spat it out almost instantly, and that's when his eyes found the paper.

He picked it up and found Radek's handwriting scrawled across it, "He found out."

* * *

John laughed at the idea of the entire science department on decaf coffee for a month as he tucked his pot of hair gel underneath his pillow, keeping it safe as he snuggled down to sleep happily for the night.

* * *

**A/N:** more will come, tell me what you thought please. :)


	2. Offworld 1

**A/N:** So, thanks to all of those who liked it the first time. Here's another funny (hopefully) story of John and his hairgel.

* * *

"Pack lightly, only what you need," John told his team. They were due for an overnight camp on an alien planet just because Rodney thought the minerals in the ground and water reacted differently and specially at night. Of course they had to stay there overnight to find out.

* * *

Hours later and the camp was set up, Rodney and John down by the lake collecting water samples as Ronan and Teyla cooked the food.

They made their way back with Rodney muttering on about how the samples could help to change the power run and usage of the ZPM's and how he could possibly manipulate it to become a new power source. John had been silently humming to himself and nodding every now and again just to please the scientist. "Have you been listening to a word I've been saying?" Rodney cried when they reached the small and cackling fire.

John seated himself on a log before answering back, "No I haven't Rodney now shut up and eat."

The night passed with the team telling jokes and talking about safety in the middle of nowhere and telling stories to their team mates. When the fire was low John decided that they were to call it a night and every trotted off to their respective tents, each of them having their own tent.

John paused when he reached his own. Teyla noticed and watched as he raised his gun and she followed suite. She heard the rustling of fabric and the odd clink of metal coming from the direction of the Major's tent. Steadily John walked forward and held out a hand to pull back the door.

Shining the P-90's light towards his backpack he found a small, beaver like creature pulling itself from out of his bag with a small item held firmly between its large teeth. "Major?" Teyla voiced and she watched as John cautiously stepped forward, ducking his head as his eyes never left the creatures frozen body.

Rodney and Ronan heard the sound of scuffling and found Teyla with her gun trained on John's tent, to which the sound was coming from. Ronan immediately pulled his blaster out and sidled up to her, looking at the tent as John's voice came out in annoyance, "Give it! Let. Go!"

"What's going on?"

"I have no idea," Teyla replied as looked skeptically at the tent.

All three jumped as John screamed an "Ouch! You little pest, I'm not playing Mr. nice guy anymore, now give it!" They listened on for a few more minutes until they heard the squeak of a creature and watched as something scampered past their feet, John's voice trailing after it, "Yeah you better run!"

* * *

"So tell me what happened again?" Carson asked as he wrapped John's arm with a bandage and tied it off.

"He wrestled with a rabbit," Rodney inputted, looking smug as he tried not to laugh just as Ronan and Teyla were trying not to.

"It wasn't a rabbit. It was bigger, and had bigger teeth," John whined as Carson dabbed at the scratches on the Majors head that stretched down his face.

"An' why Major were you wrestlin' a poor defenseless creature? _You _are bigger than it."

John grew silent and glared as his team failed to hold in their laughter any longer. Carson gave them a strange look, "Will someone tell me what is so bloody funny?"

"It's nothing," John tried but the CMO was not believing his words for a second.

Ronan was the one who stopped long enough to tell the medic the joke, "The animal had his hair gel. His only pot of hair gel."

It wasn't long until Carson broke out into laughter and John stormed out of the infirmary, muttering about how it had to last him until the next shipment arrived.


	3. SGA 11

SGA-11 were the pranksters of the city. It was common knowledge that they were to blame for almost every incident that resulted in somebody's humiliation.

Naturally, if somebody found them sneaking around the base, peering around corners, talking in hushed whispers, it was enough to say that they were in hiding.

But when they hadn't been seen for almost two days, everybody was curious; they never went into hiding for that amount of time. However, it was Teyla who put to ease everybody's concern for the missing team, albeit she only had to say "Another prank."

When queried on whom the unlucky soul was this time, the well trained Athosian smothered her smile and laughter, reciting the simple joke.

Soon word spread and almost everybody, excluding Kavanaugh and McKay, were feeling sorry for the team. If they ever turned up again they were sure as hell going to suffer.

They had decided to mess with the second in command, Colonel John Sheppard. Their prank on the military man involved mixing a bottle of bright bubblegum pink hair-dye and the Colonel's favorite pot of hair gel.

The result was a very angry Colonel, wanting revenge, in hiding until the dye washed out, and a whole team in hiding fearing for their lives.


	4. Offworld 2

"Sheppard you are _so _dead after this," McKay complained for what seemed to be the hundredth time in the past hour.

John rolled his eyes at his team mate and focused on what he was supposed to be doing. "Rodney, it isn't my fault tha..."

"Oh please," McKay scrunched his nose as his hands pulled away from the wet threads in front of him. "If you hadn't brought that stupid little pot that you probably fall to sleep with every night and cradle like a baby..."

"I do not cradle it like a baby," John retorted, pulling his hands away from his current item of finished work only to have another one placed in front of him to begin work on. "Besides, a whole day of this isn't too bad." He went back to his work, ignoring the angry and flared looks of all three team members.

Ronan's hands slipped to his special gun every time his hands were dry of the atrocity that seemed to paste his fingers together with grease. He was planning ways in which he could almost incapacitate the Colonel without getting into trouble. Teyla was fighting hard to remain her usual calm and stoic self, keeping her slimed hands outstretched in front of her body at all times. She conjuring some pretty painful training sessions with Colonel, along with some embarrassing 'rituals' that would help bring their people closer together. McKay was planning the Colonel's funeral, plotting the many and inventive ways that John could 'accidently' be killed by.

John was in his own world as he maneuvered his hands expertly through the rough strands, pulling and tugging lightly until the pattern seemed agreeable. Nodding in satisfaction he happily accepted the next piece of work put in front of him as he dunked his hands into the large tub of substance and running his hands over his next project.

"Isn't this something you do everyday Colonel?" Teyla queried calmly, giving McKay a cold glare to shut the scientist up.

Shrugging his shoulders he tilted his head to get a better angle on his work, "So? What about it?"

"Then would it not seem appropriate that _you_ wouldn't have a problem with this where as others would..."

"Not all of us like handling hair gel okay Sheppard?! That is what Teyla is trying to get at. You love it so much you may as well bathe in it, but others, such as me, abhor the idea of putting anything of this sort on our hands never mind our hair," McKay blurted out, being nudged in the ribs to prompt him to continue his work.

"Whoa, this is not my fault guys," John defended.

Ronan dropped his hands to his side, finishing his latest work and stared at John with the 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-look', "Yeah it is."

"Ronan, buddy, this is not my fault. It's McKay's fault for waving the pot around."

"My fault! Please, it is anything _but_ my fault. You see, _you _were the one who decided to bring your ever famous pot of hairgel off-world with you and what made you bring it off world in the first place?!"

"In case I needed it."

McKay sighed to himself and went back to his work at the demand of the people.

* * *

Hours later Colonel Samantha Carter sat down to read the latest reports from SGA-1. She picked up the one that was on top of the pile and almost cringed at who's it was; Rodney's. She was surprised when she glanced at the incredibly short report. That was unusual for Rodney so relishing in a surprisingly short report from him, she settled down to read it.

_We went to P3X-77Y. I believe it is of no use due to the fact they are not very advanced. This was clear from the fact that they tried to eat Sheppards hair gel after tackling the blue gunk off of him. When they were explained to for what the goo was used for they wanted to try it for themselves. _

_They made us rub gel in thier hair for four hours, to EVERYBODY in their village. There was a lot of people and I swear if I ever see his tub of gel again I will make sure that the Colonel is sorry and I mean truly sorry._

* * *

It was several days later when the strangest of things happened. Colonel John Sheppard walked into her office, but the song that also seemed to blast into the room upon his arrival was what shocked her the most. "Er Colonel?"

"Make him stop it before I shoot him."

Sam glanced curiously at the room, not knowing where the atrocious song was coming from, "What's going on John?"

"McKay. Everywhere I go the song follows me. I've had only three hours of sleep in the past 5 days and I swear I will not be held responsible for his lemon induced death Colonel."

Sam put her hands up defensively, "I can understand your frustration Colonel. I'll talk to him right away and you will get a day off to catch up on lost time."

"Thank you Colonel," John primed. A moment passed before John pointed to the door, "I'll just, go." Sam nodded to him and listened as the song _'I'm a Barbie girl' _followed his footsteps. She waited until she couldn't hear the song anymore before bursting out into fits of laughter. Who knew Rodney was that creative? 'Where on Earth did he get that song?' She asked herself, opening up a link in her earpiece to McKay's. 'On second thought I don't want to know.'


	5. Soldiers

Flat. Unshaped. Boring.

He sighed at the image and almost winced at the 'slap' like sound that seemed to echo in his ears. Every morning it was the same routine, which he enjoyed.

Usually.

It was at times like these that he worried for the preservation of the soldiers that usually agreed to do what he had asked them to do, no matter what time of the day it was. Right now, they were being disobedient. He had to cut them some slack however as supplies had been running low.

He had been rationing the food that fed his soldiers for days now. Awaiting the new shipment that the _Daedalus_ delivered. They only had to hold out for one more day. _One day._

Today was the last day's worth of rations for his good little soldiers. He just hoped that it was strong enough stuff for them as he handed it out as evenly as he can. A Colonel had to be a fair person when it came down to his comrades. Bias created domestic problems. Domestic problems in the city of Atlantis, could mean total disaster. Thus, disaster means destruction.

This was a path John Sheppard did _not_ want to go down as he brought out the last of the supplies and handed it to his last soldier, the smallest of people who had stood patiently behind everyone else. Almost hiding.

With the task finished he grimly smiled and hoped that the thinly spread rations would last for at least 12 hours. How he had gotten so low on the supplies as beyond him as he examined the troops once again.

Nodding to his reflection in the mirror he knew that his hair was passable by standards and left his quarters. On the way out he dropped his empty tub of hairgel into the bin and left to do his rounds.


	6. IOU

He put the tub back in its place and thanked the lords that nobody saw him. If anybody knew how desperate he had become since running out, he was bound for torture.

It was only as he turned to the door that he felt a little guilt for the 'borrowing' he had done, so he turned back and looed at the lonely pot. Seeing that the Major kept some paper he pulled out a pen and jotted down a message before putting that inside of it and leaving, content with the small, possibly punishable task.

* * *

Major Evan Lorne was going on a date.

And he wanted to look his best.

He'd already chosen his outfit for the evening, smart-ish pair of black jeans, a navy buttoned up shirt. In Atlantis, rules were easily bent and walked around. Which was what he and Lieutenant Laura Cadman were doing tonight. 'Bending' the fraternization rule.

They had both long ago planed any excuses if anybody were to see them, 'We were having a friendly meal for past times sake'.

Evan had already selected the perfect spot for their dinner, the South West pier, level 12. A perfect view point for the setting sun. The food had already been set up, drinks set out and a music box he had 'borrowed' from the science department with a mix of tapes and CD's.

His only hope was that nobody interrupted them, the wraith planned on letting him have this one night. That there were no emergency evacuations, no unexpected infiltrations or any panic and mayhem of any kind. Just him, Laura, and a night of peace.

Going over to the mirror he took a glance at his image. Just the hair, he thought to himself. Being in the Pegasus galaxy and away from any kind of civilization, the standard things such as haircuts, didn't seem to exist much more. There was that strange woman who apparently 'knew' how to cut hair.

From what he had seen her do to Sheppard's hair however, he wasn't going to risk his own head of hair. Instead, he had decided to let it grow out.

Hence his need for a change in style.

Luckily, he had some gel that could alter his taste and he picked up the tub from the shelf. Unscrewing the lid he stuck his hand in and felt something strange. It was paper.

Pulling the piece of white paper out between his fingers he put the tub back down and opened the paper. He was not happy with what he saw;

'_I.O.U half a tub of gel. _

_Thanks Major,_

_Sheppard'_

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who is reading this story and enjoying it enough to review, alert and favourite. I love you guys :D

I am very open to suggestions about John, his hair, and hairgel. If i take your idea I'll make a note of it.

Happy readings people!!


	7. Orders

**A/N:** Another chapter people. **Tania**, this is inspiration thanks to you. :)

Reading through this story I realised one thing: No DISCLAIMER :O

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, the characters that everyone knows and love do not belong to me but to its fantastic creators. I only borrow them to create a hilarious vintage of stories and escapades. I am not allowed to sell them neither.

* * *

The _Daedalus _had just returned to Atlantis and was currently unloading boxes of supplies for the expedition. Included in these supplies were food, weapons, equipment and personal requests. Colonel Caldwell cleared the first batch of items before moving onto the next batch, being careful to make sure that none of it had been misplaced or that there wasn't more than necessary.

Colonel Sheppard walked as Caldwell cleared the third box of food supplies. "Colonel," he greeted the older man.

"Colonel," he was greeted back. "Here to check the supply details?"

John shook his head at the question, "No actually, I was wondering if the personal items have been cleared yet?"

Caldwell eyed the second in command up carefully, noticing the slightly agitated bounce in his step. "Yes, they have. They've been moved to section 12."

"Thank you," John gave back and turned on the balls of his feet and left. 'Section 12', he thought to himself. It was just down the corridor and through the second door on the left. He still didn't understand why the personal items had to be individually scanned to ensure that nobody was moving anything illegal or potentially dangerous. The items were to be cleared by the I.O.A firstly, then re-cleared by a militarycommander. It was pointless to scan them again once they had reached their final destination.

Running his hand over the door panel he found the room to be empty of people. He took this as a good thing as he picked up the clipboard and read down to his name. Reading across, he found his item to be under serial number 79. He kept the number in mind as he checked every box and crate that he believed could house his item.

After about ten minutes he found it and cried out in joy. He'd be content for the next year with this, he hoped, certainly the next 8 months, as he tucked the box underneath his arm the best that he could and ran his hand over the door panel again.

He almost dropped his package at the sudden appearance of a Lieutenant in front of him. "Lieutenant," he greeted him, passing by him quickly.

"Colonel," the guy mumbled back as he watched John retreat at a steady pace into the depths of the city.

The Lieutenant shook his head and picked up the clipboard himself, examining the list. His eyes jumped out at the item that the Colonel had ordered.

* * *

John reached his quarters with no problem as he locked his door behind him. Sighing with content he put his box down onto his bed and almost jumped in giddiness. Opening the lid he peered inside and smiled like a happy shool boy. There was no way he was going to run out anytime soon as he surveyed the contents inside.

24 pots of hairgel sat before him.

He smiled at the thought again before a thought hit him.

Where was he going to put them without anyone seeing?


	8. Bet

**A/N: **Slightly different format but hopefully you can still understand it. This is with inspiration from **madwhiskey. **

Remember people, you can offer me ideas. Also, if you'd like a more in-depth chapter about this one, drop me a note. I don't mind. Constructive criticism helps me to write better. :)

* * *

"No, no way Rodney."

"Scared Sheppard?"

"No."

"Then accept the bet."

.......

"See you are scared."

"Fine, alright. If _I_ win though, I'm not going to be your lab rat for the next 6 months. Okay?"

"Fine, fine, whatever. But just remember, if _I _win, _when_I win, you aren't allowed to use your hair gel for a week."

"Deal."

"Right. So, in a week?"

"In a week Rodney."

* * *

2 weeks later

"See, I told you he looked like a troll doll without his gel."

"He does actually."

"Now, Sam, about that bet that we had."

"Yes Rodney, a whole months supply of real coffee for you and your science department."

"And?"

"And, you get extra food rations."

"Thank you."

"You do realise he'll get you back right?"

"Oh yeah, but it is so worth it."


	9. Snuggling

Zelenka thanked the Ancestors for the night of peace he would receive, away from Rodney's ramblings. As he typed away he drank at his coffee in small sips, wanting it to last because the supply was running extremely short. He had wanted to change from caffeine to his own drink that he had managed to secretly brew with very few people knowing.

He sighed as he let the simulation run for some new program that he and Rodney had worked on for the past three months.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose he decided to dip into his small stash of alcohol. He reached into the drawer at the bottom of his work station and pulled out a cylinderflask. Zelenka smiled at the mere thought before quickly stashing it away again at the sound of approaching footsteps. The door to the lab opened up and Sheppard walked in, peering around the room carefully. "Colonel Sheppard. I don't usually see you up at night," the scientist greeted.

"Yeah I'm usually not. Listen Radek," John started as he stepped over to the work station and looked back over his shoulder as if scared somebody might hear them. He watched as the Air Force Colonel produced a small tub from one of his pockets, "I need you to make some of this stuff, and make it last longer and stronger. The SGC pulled in the cheaper kind. You know, the stuff that only works for about four hours before completely disappearing."

The scientist nodded, agreeing and gave the man an estimated time of when his new 'project' would be done.

* * *

"Colonel Sheppard, I think that this will work. I asked somebody else to test it and it appears to work fine."

"Thanks Radek, I owe you one," John congratulated as he patted the scientist on the back and took the new full pot of home made hairgel with him.

* * *

There had been a small power glitch in the control that Radek was investigating when the 'gate kawhooshed. He stopped his work as the members of SGA-1 came back through looking relatively unscathed. The strange thing was, was that Teyla, Ronan and McKay were all laughing incessantly at the Colonel who did not look happy at all.

The scientist took a step back as John raced up the stairs and made a beeline straight for him. "Radek, what did you put into it?"

"Er, I ah, just you know, some bonding products that allowed it to be spread and malleable, and stuff why?"

"Because of this," he called, reaching a hand up into his hair and pulling a little rodent thing that looked closely related to the monkey family, almost a miniature version of one. "It won't leave me alone."

"Oh," was all Radek could muster as the little monkey snuggled up into John's palm and wrapped its tail around his thumb.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to **deblease** to reviewing and yes it is just a story. I also have to sort of dedicate this chapter to you, your story gave me an idea. I really hope you don't mind a whole lot.

And people!!!! If you want this story to continue I need some ideas and inspiration from you lovely readers!!! PLEASE!! :D


	10. Stuck

Zelenka's home made hair gel had proven to John to be better than he had anticipated. Weir had let him keep the little monkey with the promise that it was his responsibility, to feed, humour and take good care of it. It now lived in a small old storage box on his night stand.

As he passed the dozing creature a faint smile found his lips at the thought of actually finding some form of tame animal in the Pegasus galaxy.

A yawn escaped his lips as he stretched the muscles in his back, loosening the small knot in the centre. One hand rubbed the back of his neck as his feet guided him to the bathroom.

There he stood, staring at his tired reflection, his hair still in place. He brought a hand up, to run through it, but it caught on something stiff.

Leaning in closer he peered closely, trying to catch a glimpse of cream coloured fur. His new pet had had a habit of mysteriously finding its way into his hair without his knowledge. How the little monkey managed it he had no idea. Brushing his hand as best as he could through tangles of stiff hair, he couldn't find sight of the little thing.

"Huh," he mused, running his hand very slowly through his hair again. It wasn't his new found pet, it was his hair. Bringing up his other hand he tried to pry loose strands of what he would describe as 'glued' together hair.

Time passed as he stood there, frustration growing at the accomplishment of nothing.

His arms dropped to his side as the wheels in his mind began to work. Something had done this. The first thing that came to mind was his new little friend, but the thought quickly dismissed itself as his eyes found the small pot that always sat on the shelf in front of him. The hairgel.

It must've been.

Looking back up he tried again to run his hand through what used to be soft abd fluffy strands of black hair.

He failed, again.

Zelenka's home made hair gel had proven to John to be better than he had anticipated. Of course, it acted more like glue than actual gel. He and the Czech were definately going to have to have a few words and a few remodifictions to be made to what he now dubbed as their new project.

'Well,' he thought, 'It'll last longer than the other stuff.'

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to **deblease** and** i** for reviewing. :)

**deblease**, I've started reading you're fic and it is funny. I also have to say thanks for allowing me to be inspired by little parts of your story:)


	11. Narcotics

**A/N:** Thanks to **deblease** and **i** for reviewing. It's nice to know you like it. If you have any ideas they are welcomed greatly. That's to everyone else as well. Ideas and reviews are love and love makes the world go round :)

Oh and, I need a name for John's little monkey pet, suggestions for this is welcome as well.

* * *

John placed his tray on the table and sat down in his usual spot. He greeted everyone there with a small, "Hi guys." Everyone, included Rodney, Teyla, Ronan and Jennifer. They all greeted him back and he settled into his seat as conversations took place all around the table, involving one or more people.

He took another bite out of his 'supposedly' chicken noodles and smiled appreciatively at the similarities in taste. His for was midway to his mouth when it froze at Rodney's seemingly stupid question, "Did you hair just _move?_"

His hand fell to the table, fork still in hand as he stared back at Rodney, "Rodney, why would my hair move?"

"Well I'm sure it did." The scientist received strange looks from everybody seated around the table before Jennifer claimed that she saw it move just then. That altered something in Teyla's and Ronan's minds as they stared intently at John's tufts of hair. With all eyes on him he shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the attention and stopped at Rodney's insistent, "Stop moving Sheppard we're trying to see."

That was strange in itself, but it was also strange when everyone sat back agreeing with Rodney's original statement. "Why does your hair move John?" It was a simple innocent question that Teyla proposed and his mind suddenly remembered.

He placed his fork on his plate and sent one hand up to his hair to pull out his new little pet that he had 'found' or found him. Word had quickly spread about the animal and almost everyone knew about it. "Why was it _in_ your hair?" Ronan asked behind small fits of laughter. The tiny monkey, everyone knew, also had its own bed in John's quarters.

"He likes it there," was John's protest as one of his fingers ran over the back of the animal lovingly.

The comment earned him some funny looks and soon laughter filled the table. He gave them all reproachful looks before trying to regain some of his lost dignity, "Besides, he's a sneaky little fellow. He's kinda like a little spy ninja for special ops." The strange comment just earned even more funny looks and laughter until John's head hit the table.

This worried them. Especially when they couldn'y wake him or his pet up.

* * *

In the infirmary, Jennifer managed to deduce the problem. "Looks like some kind of narcotic seeped into his blood system."

"How did that happen?" Teyla asked, her hands cradling John's pet motherly.

The doctor turned to face the group with a shrug, "There is a higher concentration coming from his head. Possibly a new hair product."

"Yeah but, aren't all products on Earth like tested before they're even considered?" It was Rodney's turn to be sceptical about the conclusion.

When John found out why he had fallen asleep he knew the problem; Zalenka.


	12. Offworld 3

**Disclaimer:** John and his hair (plus everyone else) do not belong to me. Almost, but not quite.

* * *

John gulped at the sight of the burning torch in the villagers hands. Frantic green eyes jumped around the village centre in hopes of seeing his team come swooping in and saving his soon to be crisp butt. His hands struggled with the tightly wound rope that bound him in place to the pole. Said pole, was stuck in the middle of a pile of firewood, with him being the new Guy Fawkes on an early bonfire.

His chest heaved as the ropes dug into his shirt. They'd stripped him of his weapons and tack vest, and had soaked him in some sort of 'sacred' liquid. His only hope was that it wasn't flammable.

The hand with the torch got closer and his feet failed to shuffle his body away from the burning flame. He gulped again and shut his eyes as the fire touched the bottom layer of the wood.

It started to burn.

John's thoughts ran through many different painful, burning, deaths. And if the fir didn't burn him than the villagers sure would. He tried to conjure up the reason why he was in this mess, but with the threat of death on the brink, he couldn't fathom any sort of time line and events apart form being tied and bound.

The fire licked nearer to his feet and just as the wind gave it a push in his direction gunfire echoed loudly through the village.

Hope rang through John's chest as his eyes jumped from the fire to the direction of bullets. His eyes watched as the villagers parted to make a clear line that led to his friends, SGA-2 and SGA-3. 'Wow' was his only thought at having two back up teams to rescue him.

Fire tickled his feet and he nodded his head in urgency at the flames. Of course, three bucketfuls of water were sloshed over the crackling heat and himself. He pried his eyes open to look at a smirking Ronan, an angry McKay, concerned Teyla and a series of grins and suppressed laughter from everyone else. "Thanks buddy," John choked out through a mouthful of water.

"No problem," the Satedan responded, dropping the bucket and taking a knife to the ropes. John lunged forward, jumping away from the firewood for fear it would catch fire again.

Lorne approached him and nodded respectfully, "Sir."

"Major. Thanks for the rescue."

"Well," Lorne's mouth twisted into a grin as he eyed his laughing team members. "We weren't going to come at first. We were worried about catching the, and I quote, 'hair rising demon from the lowest pits of hell.'"

John just glared at the Major and made his way in the direction of the 'gate with everyone following him, laughing at his 'ritual sacrifice' outfit. A grass hat, paintings over his bare chest and the sight of pink boxers underneath a grass skirt.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, I'm thinking of stoppnig this story pretty soon. For now anyway, because I am literally coming to a blank for anything.

Thanks to **deblease**, **i**, (Who inspired this chapter, thank you. I'll do the otherside of the coin next) for reviewing.

I'll do one more chapter and than that'll most likely be it. Perhaps forever or perhaps a short while. I don't know. But unless I have inspiration, ideas from you people or any brain storms, this will be on hiatus for a while.


	13. Washed away

**A/N:** I am back! I know, I know. It's almost been a YEAR since I've updated this story. BUT, I have writer's block reasons and only so many ideas can come out of this kind of thing. Anyway, here's 'washed away' enjoy.

Disclaimer: Not mine

* * *

It was an overnight stay on an alien planet whose nightly readings earned Rodney's interests.

Camp was made, a perimeter was set up and food was slowly cooking on the small camp stove they had.

It looked to be a normal, almost Earth-like camp site.

The night went without a hitch; Teyla had a small, one man tent all to herself and the boys all shared a larger one out of courtesy. It did result in some groaning from Rodney before they slept and from Ronan when they woke up to have the scientist's limbs stretched out over their bodies.

John made a note after that to make sure Rodney had his own tent.

They were packing up and Rodney decided that it was an ideal time to tell everyone that he'd left some equipment by the river accidentally.

Running a hand through his hair and feeling the flatness of it, John vouched to go gather the equipment. What he didn't tell them, as he scampered through his bag, was that he would also very quickly use that alone time to style his hair into a more fashionable 'just got out of bed' look.

Being sure to keep a firm hold of the small pot he quickly made his way through the dense foliage, pushed back tree branches and stepped over the typical moss covered logs.

It was a ten minute walk to the river and it gave him time to enjoy a little peace and quiet to himself.

When he reached the riverside he spotted the equipment and placed his P-90 by the side of it. Double checking that nobody had followed him, he pulled out a mirror from a pocket on his tac vest and pulled the lid of the gel pot off.

With some awkward manoeuvring, he managed to get his hand stuck in the thick of his hair when rustling bushes caught his ears.

Freezing, he turned, hands still on mirror and in hair, to the source of the sound. The bushes shook again and he withdrew his hand from his hair to draw his pistol when a large creature, reminding him of a warthog, bustled out and ran straight for him.

Instinct took over and before he knew it his pistol was out and he had already fired off two, three rounds when the warthog barrelled into his legs and sent him staggering backwards.

His foot slipped, his grip on the handgun and pot of gel loosened and before he knew it he was swimming for the surface. _That is one deep river _he thought as he surfaced, spat water and ran a hand over his face before straddling water.

It was an effort to try to swim to the edge with the current of the water but he managed it, hands clamping onto the river edge just as his team mates arrived, guns raised. "Sheppard," Ronan greeted, eyeing the land.

"Colonel are you alright?" Teyla asked as she moved forward to help him out of the water.

Shaking his head to clear his ears of water he said, "Yeah. I'm fine."

"What happened? We heard gunshots." Rodney said, panting ever so slightly.

"Something ran at me, pushed me into the river."

"Wraith?" was Ronan's first choice.

"No," John said as he tried to wring out his clothes, "It was, a, it looked like a warthog."

Teyla and Ronan didn't know what he meant but the look Rodney gave him made him know that the topic wouldn't end when they got back. "Let's just, go," he ordered, making a start to grab his P-90.

When he saw the lid from his pot of gel sitting next to it he quickly pocketed it and winced at how he was short on gel, knowing it, along with his handgun, were probably washed away downstream now, and how his hair looked worse then before.

He hated staying over night on strange planets.


	14. Homemade

**A/N:** So, thank you guys for reviewing! My love for this story is back, sorta. I will be paying more attention to it anyway and **madwhiskey**, thank you for the encouragement and the idea that spawned this…. Read, enjoy and review people

* * *

He was out.

Again.

Sighing he pushed the empty pot into his pocket and threaded his hands through his hair, trying to get it to look somewhat like it usually did. Satisfied, he left the safety of his room to find the Czech physicist who was happy to make him hair gel, in secret, for a small fee of some of John's real coffee. When you'd been living on military coffee for a good majority of your adult life, you got used to the stuff, or at least built up a tolerance to it.

When he got to the lab it was to find it empty, so he pried open the small man's draw, dropped the pot and left a note.

* * *

Zalenka entered his office and produced the new, fully stocked pot of gel. "Thanks Zalenka."

"Of course Colonel."

"I owe you," he said as he fingered the pot in his hands.

Radek pushed his glasses up his nose, "Yes, coffee. A weeks supply worth." John nodded, thanked the man again and waited until he had left before pulling out a mirror and propped it up against a stack of paperwork.

* * *

Rodney McKay stormed down the corridor that led to the Colonel's office. After trying to reach him a dozen times, he gave up and decided to hunt him down. Sheppard had some explaining to do about a certain practical joke involving a lemon.

Reaching the office he barged in and opened his mouth, "Colonel! I don't apprec-" he stopped and stared at the sight. John had one foot braced on the seat of his chair and was bent so that his head hit the corner of the backrest. What irked Rodney's curiosity and concern for his friend's sanity, was the fact that his hands seemed to be stuck in his hair, one of his arms wrapped awkwardly around the corner his head was hitting. "What are you doing?"

John straightened up, hands still in his hair and cleared his throat. "Wha-?" The physicist asked again, his eyes going to the Colonel's desk to see an open pot of gel and a mirror. Then it hit him and a smirk started to form. He chuckled to himself, crossed his arms and stared at the Colonel.

"Rodney," John warned, eyeing his friend up.

His friend rose a finger and as if rubbing it in his face said, "That Sheppard, is what you get when you go to Zalenka to create hair products."

One of his eyebrows rose as he stared at McKay. "You know?"

"Hmm, for quite a while actually. I never said anything because, well, I was erm, being kind I guess."

"Well be kind now and help me."

Rodney scoffed and crossed his arms again, "No."

"Rodney," John whined, bouncing on the spot a little bit. "I _need _my hands."

Now it was Rodney's turn to quirk an eyebrow. "It'll wear off eventually I'm sure."

"No. Rodney, I _need_ my hands _now _for some business." Rodney frowned and John sighed. He hesitated before elaborating, "I need to use the bathroom."

The result was a laughing Rodney McKay, walking away and leaving the Colonel stranded in his office. "That's what you get for playing a prank on me!" he shouted, still laughing to himself.


End file.
